(no subject)

"I quit."

Sebastian blinked. "What?"

"I said I quit," she answered.

"Yeah, I heard you. What are you talking about?"

"I finally admitted to myself that I just don't want to play with an orchestra," Lang answered, shaking her head.

"Since when?"

She crossed her arms and shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"I think it's a mistake, Lang," he answered.

She took a minute, staring at her boots. "The only reason I've been obsessing over new pianos," she started, "is because I've been trying to get myself excited about playing with them again. And I just...don't want to."

"Okay..."

"I can just get some inexpensive upright and go back to teaching."

Sebastian's shoulders slumped a bit and he sighed, "Lang... That's not what you want to do, either."

Again, Lang shrugged and stared at her boots.

"You're not quitting. You are not a quitter."

Her head snapped up and she cocked an eyebrow, "Really? 'Oh, poor Lang can't handle touring in a rock band so she has to disappear for a while.' That sure sounds like quitting to me."

"That's not accurate and you know it," he answered.

"It. Doesn't. Matter. I'm not doing and not allowed to do what it is that I want to be doing."

"So you do nothing?"

She paused a moment. "Yes."

"I don't even know what to say to you, Lang. You went to the best music school in the world, a school you dreamed about going to and I don't remember you ever telling me that teaching snot-nosed brats on a garage sale piano was part of that dream. Leaving the orchestra is a mistake."

He took a step closer to her and put his hands on her arms, "It has nothing to do with you not being able to do it. You can do it, you were doing it. But you took on too much. Do you want a repeat of last year?"

She didn't answer.

"You've been pretty transparent in your desire for another baby and I'm not even going to consider being on board with that if you're running yourself into the ground. And I will agree, as great as Philadelphia is, it's too far away. So focus on getting the job with the Philharmonic. You still love Lincoln Center, right?"

She nodded.

"After holiday next year, I can retire and I can stay home with the kids. I know you're looking forward to that. Go back to touring then. You could even do a solo thing, babe. You don't have to stop creating."

"But I do. Because if I don't, I'll..." she let out a frustrated sigh. "It's too much if I don't. Because I'll want to hear how it sounds outside of my head and outside of my piano. And I'll just go down the rabbit hole."

He was quiet for a moment, "I don't know what to tell you other than to not quit."