(no subject)

Tuesday, January 19

The silence was too much.

And the chicken nuggets were almost gone.

Lang lifted her eyes to Seb who sat at the other end of the table with his head propped up in his hand. He seemed to be staring at a spot on the table. She wondered how much he was aware of. She wondered if he’d go through her posts on the message board and read everything she’d written. It was all right there for him to see.

Part of her hoped he wouldn’t.

Part of her was glad she had to get back to Philadelphia tomorrow. She knew if she didn’t leave, she never would.

She shoved another chicken nugget in her mouth and looked back at the plate. Where there had been a mountain of nuggets, now there were just three.

She’d eaten them all. Human garbage disposal.

As she stood, Seb looked up at her. “Where are you going?” he asked gently.

“To throw up,” came the short reply.

“Lang, stop,” he said as he got up. As he caught up with her, he put a hand on her arm. She stopped short and spun around, pulling her arm away.

“Leave me alone,” she said. She could see he didn’t know what to do with his hands.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you to take care of yourself,” he said.

She turned away from him and continued toward the bathroom. “Because you’re such an expert at that,” she threw over her shoulder. He followed her again, but she slammed the door in his face.

When she opened the door a few minutes later, he was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, staring at the floor. Without lifting his head, he looked over at her, but kept quiet. Lang was tired of the silence. “I’m fine,” she snapped.

“Now I know you’re not,” he said, lifting his head. “Can we just talk to each other, please?”

“What is there to say?” she answered, “I’m still angry.” She paused, biting her lip, “You really hurt me.”

“I know. I made a terrible choice,” he pushed off the wall to face her.

She threw a glance over her shoulder at Anneke’s bedroom door. “We’re not doing this in the hallway,” she said and brushed past him. He turned and followed. When they were far enough away, she stopped abruptly and spun on him. “You should have told him no on the spot, Sebastian.”

“I know.” She stared at him and then sighed, but didn’t respond. “Lang, he’s dead. He’s out of our lives forever.”

“Yeah, I know,” she answered quickly.

“I don’t know what you want anymore. I can’t change what I did, so how do I fix this now?” he asked.

She surprised herself and him by taking a step forward and wrapping her arms around him. Tears welled up in her eyes. “All I wanted was to have you back,” she said and the tears spilled over, “It hurt so much and it got so bad, I felt like I was slowly bleeding to death.

He pressed his cheek to the top of her head.

“I realized,” she continued, “that I can’t take the risk of this happening again. Then I accidentally reminded myself of what you did and any forgiveness I had…” she sniffled and trailed off, unable to find the words she wanted. Taking a step back, Lang crossed her arms over her belly, closing herself off from him.

“What are you not saying?” he asked.

Her heart was breaking into a million pieces and she couldn’t keep it inside any longer. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I can’t be on this journey with you anymore. I’m drowning.” She swiped at her eyes with one hand. “But god dammit, even as I’m drowning, I’m worrying about you and what separating would do to you.”

Seb only nodded.

All Lang could do was stand there, frozen in place, and cry. “And now that you’re here again, I don’t want you to leave.”

“I can piss you off again if you want.”

She snorted softly and then yawned deeply, drawing in a shuddering, calming breath.

“Should I sleep on the couch tonight?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No. I’m tired of sleeping alone.”